when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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