apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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