so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
