what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
