The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Who wears a wallet chain?!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
