I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
