I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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