People with herpes should wear stickers.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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