cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is classic penis vs brain.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
