if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
