Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
