I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
