i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
do nipples grow back?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
