you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
