Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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