my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
