the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
