I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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