I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
