god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
