is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
