dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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