apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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