Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i now understand why vodka
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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