You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
