What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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