I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
