Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
