so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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