I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
