The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
