I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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