so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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