Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
