I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
