It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
