I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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