There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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