Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
