Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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