Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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