I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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