waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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