Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
