beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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