How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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