He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
