when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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