Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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