just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
