Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
