he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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