Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
